Why I am friends with Rachel Shukert

An email from my pal Rachel, subject header: "Terrible News"

Robert Goulet. Is. Dead.

i have listened to him singing "The Impossible Dream" eleven times so far this morning. What a tragedy, for him to have been taken from us so young, with so much joy yet to bring the world. (can you tell i've had a drink already? I have. A drink and an omelet.) This deity among men, whom God himself blessed with the voice and the face of an angel, only to screw us all by refusing to match these gifts with divine immortality. i'm so sad. how can we honor him? how?

A subsequent phone chat bred the consensus that, had each of us access to time travel, we'd gladly have spared a lung (at least!) for the sake of his well-being. And then, I receive this follow-up email:

THE CLEANING LADIES STOLE THE VODKA.

THE CLEANING LADIES STOLE THE VODKA.

How am I supposed to function now? How? How?

Today's post from Fug is all I got.

Sharon Stone is my Favorite Actress

As though Basic Instinct 2 wasn't enough to endear me to the comedic stylings of this Dickson-esque hot mess, the muse herself goes and shows up to an AmFar event wearing this abomination: appropriately, the AIDS quilt of fur coats.



The salt in PETA's wound? I heard the gown was made of veal.

We Hardly Hugh Ye

RIP, Viva Laughlin. You were a bananas conceit, and I knew you were too good for this earth. And I hope you're happy, CBS. At least Cop Rock lasted 8 episodes! You monsters! What is Melanie Griffith supposed to do now?!?!

I Eat Food, Do Shows

Jackie & I are back on stage, where it (the stage) belongs!

The October OBSESSED, besides being an alliteration, is the FOOD edition. And Shimshai gets a free ride this time around. Mama's got a brand new food villian by the name of Jessica Seinfeld.



Jessica wrote a cookbook is about tricking your children into eating vegetables, instead of getting a real job! Then, she sent Oprah $18 grand worth of shoes after demonstrating ways of hiding kale in brownies on her show. She's also a terrible person who left her wealthy husband after she met wealthier Jerry Seinfeld at the Reebok Sports Club, and is why most people hate Jews.



We shall discuss her, and also food, tonight @ the UCB Theater. And so will our special guests, Chelsea Peretti and Badlands Booker. Please come!


OBSESSED with Julie & Jackie
Thursday October 18th
9:30 PM
UCB Theater
307 West 26th Street @ 8th Ave
$5
Reservations @ http://ucbtheater.com or 212-366-9176

Peepin'

Here's a clip from Tad Low's series, Peeping Toms, which combines footage of innocents dumb enough to sign release forms with my God-given talent of being mean to strangers.

I Love My Job

Jackie & I are wrapping up our stint as writers for the second season of The Big Gay Sketch Show, and now that we're in production, it's been like Christmas morning around the damn clock to see our ideas brought to life, with wigs and sets and what not. As though it wasn't enough to spend the day watching the cast dressed up as the Carringtons for our Dynasty sketch, news of a legal issue regarding the name of a fake gay bar in one of our scenes that we named "The Glory Hole," prompted a last minute effort on our part to come up with alternate names for gay bars that don't actually exist, saving Viacom from a Glory Hole-related lawsuit.

Here are some of the ones we came up with.

Pitchers and Catchers
The Flame
Cock Around the Clock
The Brown Eye
Chuck and Larry's
The Ball Room
The Bull Pen
Guy Dive
Super Liza's
The Pole Vault
The Greasy Spoon
Head Shop
Taint Misbehavin
Starbucks

The winner? The Pole Vault. The end.

Heads Up

If you're hoping to hang out with me next month, just know that I'm busy on November 27th and, probably-to-definitely, November 28th as well.

A Gay Guy Wastes Your Time

Bless & keep Bob Odenkirk & Superdeluxe for bringing this idea to life. I remember seeing him pitch this idea at Comedy Death Ray when Jackie & I went out to LA in June, and now, to see it living and breathing makes me want to write the internet a thank you note.

Happy End of Days!

Heart, meet sinking feeling. This news is surely the sign of the apocalypse. Or, at least, Broadway's latest rapist.