Call this a cop-out if you like, but the only way I can present that which I cannot yet digest is via dialogue. Here's my email exchange from this morning with my friend Jesse, who edits SOAPnet.com and contributes revelatory items to That's Important on a regular basis.
Watch what happens.
Jesse: What do you think Danielle tried to do to Dina??? I MUST KNOW
Me: I am APPALLED at Andy Cohen's shoddy reporting skills. He should have forced Dina to tell us all what happened. And the nerve of Bravo using Caroline's reaction in the tease with no delivery! I think Danielle hired somebody to beat Dina up. All of her trash-talking about how "her fans have her back" makes me think she has new thugs/ bouncers she is boning for protection! My favorite revelation was that Grandma Wrinkle smells like French Fries.
Jesse: I love Grandma Wrinkle so much. And I love that all Teresa said last night was “Wait, isn’t he gay?” I thought about the beating up thing too….but weirdly Jacqueline and Dina seemed too calm, if they know. Apparently Dina’s into self-help books. How can she be so forgiving!?!?! I love these women.
Me: Yes. Teresa was the Alex of the NJ reunion. She really clammed up after Andy Cohen (whom I strongly feel you should date, just to get access to SECRETS) weighed in on her revolting guido husband's homophobia. I think she's the most loathesome of all of them. And Caroline needs to knock it off with her monologues! What is this, An Evening With Eric Bogosian?
Jesse: Teresa is the most loathsome. And the dumbest. Danielle is a SURVIVOR! “We slept together for several days, hugged and cuddled and just pretended it was a movie.”
Me: Oh my God, I forgot about that! Danielle is quite possibly my favorite human.
Jesse: “Okay, we’ve established that maybe I am a nymphomaniac.”We’re putting the clip of her on All My Children on SOAPnet.com later today!!! She plays a woman named “Mow-ra.” Ooooh! Danielle’s blog said all she “did” to Dina was give Dina’s ex-brother-in-law some phone numbers because he asked her. Maybe the family was trying to get Lexie? Also, Lexie needs to blow her nose.
Me: What in Christ's name is an "ex-brother-in-law"? I am trying to think of what it could be and my brain hurts like Teresa's must when she tries remembering her phone number. Please send me the Danielle clip ASAP. Why she is not cast as a villainess in everything produced ever is Hollywood's filthy loss.
Jesse: It’s all so complex. They’re Italian. We should come out with a line of Real Housewives paper dolls.
Julie: WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING! Please start sleeping with Andy Cohen. For me? For Grandma Wrinkle?
Jesse: I would gladly do that. I need an introduction!
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