Your Friends and Crullers

I'm blogging my tweets again, I know, but seriously, did anybody else know that Neil LaBute was THIS FAT?



Sort of puts into perspective why his "characters" are so angry at women.



Via my friend and greatly missed L.A.-transplant Jason Woliner, "Looks like somebody has been in The Company of Pies."

Mind-Raping News from Sir Andy

Last night, I treated myself to the US premiere of ANY DREAM WILL DO on BBC-America, the British Competitive Reality Show designed to cast a lucky actor as Joseph in the West End production of JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT. It was extremely long, and there were a lot of awful teeth I had to look at in the process, but the highlight of the show was that whenever Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber made an appearance, like when he pulled up and parked his car, they would play the theme to PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The one that goes like this.

DAH! Dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH! Dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH! Here, press play on this YouTube video if you still don't know how it goes.



No, not that one! This one.



Anyway, that was really great. Because his entrances were often completely anticlimactic and inauspicious--he'll be walking down a musty hallway, holding sheet music, or opening the door of a cafeteria, and they hit the organ music hard. Sir Andy has got a permanent Cheshire grin on his old lady face as of late, because he's a posh old English gent, and that's how they age.



Then, my friend Scott Brown told me about a PHANTOM sequel that Andy's working on and I was like "WHAT?" and "SERIOUSLY?" and he was like "Yes," and then he sent me this link to prove it. Apparently, the sequel takes place in Manhattan, and I don't know if the Phantom has mole people roommates, but I'll go ahead and say yes he does, for the sake of clarity and confidence.

Between this and the new catchphrase from last night's A.D.W.D., "You're going to Joseph School!" I am beside myself with ALW-themed riches. My goblet runneth over.

Finally, here is a sequence I was certain I'd dreamt from the Donny Osmond-helmed JOSEPH film from '99, featuring Joan Collins wearing a fez and pasties over a flesh-colored unitard. Watch this at your own peril, because it's very important, but it also makes FORBIDDEN ZONE look like THE LITTLE MERMAID, and around 3:02 something sexually confusing happens that is both upsetting and legendary.

It's ALW's specialty.

Attention: People Making Comedy After 1936

..You're trying too hard. Presenting "Dog Milking a Goat."

Frank O'Hara Quote

I saw this printed on a scaffold near Battery Park last week, and it was a loud yelp during what was already this perfect, warm, windy, pink-sky night. I love New York so much.

"I can't even enjoy a blade of grass unless I know there's a subway handy, or a record store or some other sign that people do not totally regret life."




Jack told me last night why he'll always take a trip to Paris over a vacation at the Grand Canyon. Because while God made a hole in the ground, when you marvel at the city, you're applauding what Man did. And to be in the business of believing in humanity is never a bad trade.

Jews for Jesus Christ Superstar

Last night I re-watched Jesus Christ Superstar, one of my favorite films and the source of everything I know about the New Testament. Here is the very Xanadunian "Simon Zealotes" number, headed up by an Aborigine gentleman who knows how to shaketh.



This is an important movie--I notice something new whenever I watch it. This time around, I realized some JCS cast members bore pretty uncanny resemblances to some of my favorite comedians. For example, Caiaphas and the rest of his bubble-hatted crew all look like Russell Brand to me.



Is that King Herod or Eric Wareheim?



And I didn't know Jamie Farr played Pontius Pilate.



Thanks to rock star Ted Leo for pointing out that the actor who played Peter went on to work in the adult entertainment industry, and spent a year in prison after getting caught smuggling cocaine into the U.S. from South America. So now who's denying they don't know whom, eh, actor who played Peter??

And thanks to my own eyes for pointing out that Ted Neeley is gorgeous.



I can has Easter now?

In Which Molly Lambert Is The Coolest

Check out her important Dugong-related blog post, and, for that matter, everything else she does. She's sort of the best.

Ghosts! And Grapes!

Via Tyler Coates, here is important information about Dan Aykroyd's two obsessions.



Click this link immediately, and marvel at the deeply cryptic pitch for a vodka that's only described, like, twenty-five minutes into the video. FYI, it is filtered through diamonds. But mostly, Dan Aykroyd wants to talk to us about aliens. The first line of the shooting script?

"I'm Dan Aykroyd. Since childhood, I have been fascinated with the invisible world."



Top that! You CAN'T!!!!!



Are there other things Aykroyd will cull from the final installment of Indiana Jones? Will he be making public appearances with his new greaser protégée? Will Donna Dixon start sporting a cheap black pageboy wig, so she looks like "Russian Villianess Cate Blanchett"? Can somebody please be responsible for keeping me abreast on the developments in what is an extremely important topic?!!??

Oh, Puss.

My Friend David: Anyone want to have a beer or two tomorrow for St. Patty's?
Me: If by "have a beer or two" you mean "split a Carvel Cookie O'Puss ice cream cake and watch Real Housewives," I am all over that like wounds on an injured person

And so it was decided.



I've ordered Reverend O'Puss from the only Carvel in Manhattan for tonight's screening of what I fondly call "The Bobby Zarin Show."



When the gentleman on the phone asked me if I wanted them to write anything on the cake, I asked them to write "Cookie O'Puss."

I hope Ramona dances a lot in this episode.



Here is video, via Holly, of an amazing Holiday Carvel cakes ad from the early 80's. Non-Tri-Staters: the glorious voiceover artist in this spot is the timeless and dapper Tom Carvel himself. Please note, in this important video, that Santa Claus is the same shape as Fudgy the Whale, and Tom the Turkey, who's "ready and beautiful," is in the same shape as Cookies Puss and O'Puss. Because if it ain't broke, Tom Carvel won't fix it. In fact, he'd be a fool to.

From the "Don't Give Them Any Ideas" Department

I just awoke from a dream in which Comedy Central hired me to write on The Kevin Farley Show. I called my editor and asked her whether I should take the gig or spend the months before now and my book's due date focusing on my re-write, and she said, "You know, a lot of authors underestimate the amount of energy it takes to go from first to second draft." Which was nice of her. Then, I woke up and Chocolate News was canceled. And my pillow was gone.

Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve & Talent

If you are not watching RuPaul's Drag Race, I actually feel sorry for you. It is very literally the crystal meth of competitive reality shows in the key of Gay. It's so distilled and ripe with obscene kitch, it makes all of Bravo's offerings look like that show they used to air on TNN in the morning called "Turkey Hunt." I would watch that show all the time if it was still on, Viacom, FYI. Nothing makes me laugh harder than a turkey call or an actual gobbler doing its thang.



Drag Race is a triumph of casting, catchphrases, contestants and challenges, but it's not all C-Words. It also features the most creative recycling I've ever seen on Reality TV: I'm almost positive that Ongina is just Eugene from Top Chef in a tiny top hat.

I Am Not A Lesbian

Of course I'm not. I have a sense of humor and a waist. That said, I found out about a site called Retrocrush last night and couldn't stop perusing its babes gallery until it got very late and I had to go to bed and dream about being prettier.

The Retrobuzz Babes Gallery showcases in one convenient location some gorgeous pin-ups of history's finest actresses, including Raquel Welch, Tina Louise, Ann-Margret and Pam Grier.



And the shots of Bernadette Peters and Bridgette Bardot make me want to distribute paper bags with eyes cut out of them to all of the girls in the 2009 Swimsuit Issue, not just because I feel sorry for them, but also because I've always wanted to see an "Unknown Comedian" issue of Sports Illustrated, for my own personal reasons. I mean, look at Bernadette Peters. Yeesh.



Steve Martin was such a fool to leave her in order to play his own banjo songs on SNL and desecrate Peter Sellers. But there are some odd lady choices on that site as well, and not even era-specific. Markie Post? Sigourney Weaver? Elizabeth Shue? I guess the heart wants what it wants.



P.S. Joan Collins.